Losing Love in the Dark
by Dustunicorn51
Summary: It is 1978. James Potter and Lily Evans are head boy and girl, not to mention falling quickly in love, much to the dismay of Severus Snape, Lily's ex best friend and the victim of James' bullying. But what really happened, and could it have happened differently? A story of forgiveness, betrayal, romance and friendship.
1. Watching From The Shadows

It is 1978. James Potter and Lily Evans are head boy and girl, not to mention falling quickly in love, much to the dismay of Severus Snape, Lily's ex best friend and the victim of James' bullying. But what if things turned out differently?

_**Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. All rights belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. Unfortunately.**_

_**AUTHORS NOTE- I know this probably already been done, but this is my first fanfic, so I wanted to start with something easy. This is a simple plot, and it isn't featured too much in the books, so I can be relatively flexible. I hope you enjoy it, and please R&R, I want to know how I'm doing. :)**_

Watching from the Shadows

Severus Snape

I leant on the Hufflepuff trophy cabinet in the corridor, watching Lily talk. I loved watching her, the way her copper hair floated around her shoulders, the way her green eyes creased when she smiled, the way she secretly conjured small flowers in her hands when she was nervous. There were no such flowers today though. She was in her element, surrounded by her friends, laughing without a care in the world. She didn't even notice I was there. Nobody did, I made a conscious effort to blend in. She hadn't spoken to me in two years, and it broke my heart every day. I sorely regretted what I said to her, what I called her. She was beautiful in my eyes, her blood status made no difference to the way I felt about her.

"Lily!"

A voice cried out to her from the end of the corridor. I watched her face light up like the sun itself had entered her body as she turned to watch the boy stride towards her, a cocky grin on his face. Eugh, I hated him. Arrogant, stuck up, ignorant little twerp. James Potter. I watched in revulsion as he came to a halt close to her, too close to her, and slipped his hand into hers. He whispered something into her ear, and she giggled like a silly little school girl. How could she change her mind about him? After how he treated me, and Lily. She used to hate him. She called him an 'arrogant toe-rag'. That made me chuckle out loud to myself, remembering when she told me, and suddenly everyone turned and noticed me. Lily looked at me with her piercing, green, almond shaped eyes, and I died a little inside as I saw her look of shock and revulsion that I had been spying on her. All I could do was look back at her, to try to show her with my eyes how sorry I was, but she turned away from me in disgust and, still holding James' hand, dragged him off down the corridor. Her group of friends followed closely behind her, some giving me dirty looks as they passed.

I was left standing alone, wallowing in my own guilty thoughts, when Avery came up behind me. I didn't notice he was there until he starting talking to me, and I jumped out of my skin.

"Merlin, Sev, you day-dreaming or what? Off in your own little 'Lily' world again I expect. You need to move on from that mudblood..."

"DON'T. CALL. HER. THAT."

I growled at him, turning to face him with hatred, both for him and myself, in my eyes.

"You know I hate that word. Don't use it around me. Ever."

"Whoa, sorry Sev, don't get your panties in a twist."

He sniggered at me. He knew, from experience, how sensitive I was about Lily.

I raised my eyebrow at him in distaste and stalked off, not knowing where I was going, but not caring. I needed to get away, or I was going to burst into tears any second. I couldn't let anybody see me cry, I didn't need another reason for people to taunt me.

_**Author's Note- I know, it's really really short, but I wanted to start off small and hopefully get better. Let me know what you think!**_


	2. One Chance

_**Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. All rights belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. Unfortunately. **_

_**Author's Note- Sorry it's taken me so long to update guys, I wanted to wait until I had inspiration, rather than writing something for the sake of it, which would have turned out rubbish. What do you think? Please R&R (and recommend if you think it's any good), I want to know if I'm any good at this before I steam ahead with it! Enjoy! **_

One Chance

Severus Snape

I sat alone in my dorm, wallowing in my own self-hatred. Everybody else was at dinner, laughing and enjoying themselves as usual. How I wished I could have been down there, without a care in the world, eating pumpkin pasties with the rest of the school. I knew my friends, if you could call them that, would be wondering where I was. I often skipped meals; I just had no appetite anymore. I just felt sick, all the time. Sick with guilt, sick with hatred, sick with betrayal.

Sighing, I picked up the book on my bed-side table and attempted to read it. After about 30 minutes of reading and re-reading the same page over and over again, and still having no idea what I had read, I gave up and contented myself by staring blankly at the ceiling. What a mess I had made.  
>I heard a muffled voice shouting my name from downstairs. It was impossible, but I would recognise that voice anywhere. Lily. I rushed downstairs into the Slytherin common room and pulled open the door. There, like a vision, stood Lily before me, pale, beautiful and, oh, so angry. Putting on an air of indifference, I studied her and waited for her to speak. Of course, my heart was leaping through my chest. Why was she here? Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of staring, she spoke.<p>

"YOU. What do you want?"

Her voice was shaking with anger; I saw her take a breath in an attempt to calm herself.

I stood in the doorway and raised my eyebrow cockily. "What do I want? I believe it is you who has come to me, not the other way around." I drawled coldly. I was sure my arrogance would anger her further, but I didn't know any other way to react, it had been so long since we'd spoken, I'd forgotten how to be pleasant. She was the only person I'd ever had reason to be nice to.

"You...You're unbelievable!" She exploded. "You stand there, day after day, staring at me, and expect me to be okay with it? It's wrong, Severus! You're really freaking me out, and people are starting to make comments. What am I supposed to say? 'Oh, don't mind him; he's just this crazy stalker guy who watches me from the shadows.' I've had enough. I try to ignore you, but you just won't quit, will you? So, I'm here now. what could you possibly want so desperately that gives you this constant urge to watch me?"

She finished her rant, slightly out of breath, watching me expectantly. It took me a few minutes to realise that she expected a reply.

"I... Uh..." I hesitated, not sure of what I wanted to say. This was my chance, possibly my only chance, to reconcile with her. I couldn't blow it. I'd spent so many nights lying awake, dreaming of the moment she was willing to listen to me again, reciting over and over again exactly what I would say, but now the moment had arrived, my mind had gone blank, and I had no idea what to do or say to her.

"No. I thought not." she cut harshly into my desperate thoughts, still clutching around for the right words. "So, if you'll be so kind as to leave me alone, I would appreciate the privacy. Goodnight." She swiftly turned on her heel, her copper hair flicking out behind her, and started to stalk away.

"STOP!"

My mouth called out to her before my mind had approved the idea. She furiously whirled around and glared at me, impatiently, expectantly, waiting for me to speak.

"Well?"

It was now or never. Suddenly, an unexpected rush of emotion flooded through me.

"Lily. I'm so sorry. I know what I did was wrong, and I never meant to hurt you. You have to know how much you mean to me, even after all this time. It kills me every day when I see you, but I just can't stop myself from watching you. You're so beautiful. I never meant to say what I said, you must understand, I was angry, hurt, I didn't mean it. Please don't punish me any longer, Lily; I can't bear another day without you. I... I need you."

As I stopped gabbling, I realised just how much I had confessed to her, and I felt suddenly ashamed. What would she think of my weakness?

Her eyes, steadily watching me the whole time, flickered through a myriad of emotion. Anger, sadness, embarrassment, defiance, and... Did I see forgiveness? I sorely hoped so. As her eyes continued to pierce into me, her face formed into a somewhat confused scowl.

"I... Severus. You can't just expect me to forgive you like that. I'm not sure... How dare you! It's just... But you said... It just doesn't excuse..."

Her thoughts trailed off, and she looked at her feet, obviously distressed at my confession. Had it worked? I searched desperately for any sort of compassion in her eyes. When she slowly raised her face to meet my gaze once more, I saw... A hint, a glimmer, of something that I couldn't place. What was it, so deeply hidden away? I couldn't tell.

"You... I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry."

With that, she sadly turned away from me and left, head down. I watched her leave, and I felt the desperation returning. What had I just done? That was my only chance, and I blew it. Didn't I? I wasn't sure, but I certainly wasn't going to hope. I had spent too much of my life hoping, in vain, for things that I could never have, and that had taught me a tough lesson. Hope for nothing, never be disappointed. I only wished my heart had learned the same lesson, as it yearned desperately for the girl who had, not minutes before, been standing before me, speaking to me for the first time in two years.

Dejectedly, I closed the door to the still empty common room, trudged up the stairs, and collapsed on my bed. It was going to be a long, tough night.

I drearily watched the sun rise over the hills surrounding the castle, knowing that soon I was going to have to get up and face another day. What joys lay in store, I wondered? At least I had potions to look forward to that afternoon. Nothing and nobody could distract me in potions, I was a natural. I had even written some improvements in my Advanced Potions Making textbook, because I was fairly sure that I knew what I was doing better than it did, and I had never made an error of judgement so far. Who knows, I wondered, some day that book with my modifications in may help somebody.

Slowly I rose out of my bed, my head swimming from lack of sleep. I wasn't sure if I had slept at all the night before. It didn't feel like it.

Mulciber walked into the dorm from the bathroom, already in his robes, emerald green tie untied and thrown around his shoulders.

"What's up Sev? You look shattered!"

"Mmm. Didn't sleep well." I wasn't in the mood to talk, so I quickly grabbed my robes from the end of my bed and scurried past Mulciber into the bathroom, which was thankfully empty. I slowly got ready, and stopped to look at myself in the mirror. With disgust, I viewed the greasy- haired, sad eyed creature in front of me. I wasn't so bothered about my physical appearance; that had never been of any consequence to me; but the emptiness I saw in my eyes scared me. Breathing deeply, I used my newly acquired skills as an Occlumens to shield my thoughts, and instantly my eyes grew hard and unfeeling. That was better. It was more efficient for people to think I didn't have emotions, so they couldn't use them against me. I was NOT going to be seen as weak.

Putting on an air of arrogance, as was expected by my peers, I strode out of the door and down the stairs without so much as a glance at my roommates, my robes billowing behind me. If I hurried, I thought, I could spend some time in the library before breakfast. The library was my personal sanctuary, nobody I knew wanted anything to do with it, except Lily, and I often watched her study in there. Apparently she knew I was watching… I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment at the thought, and quickly covered it up by shielding my emotions before anyone could notice. Would she be in there that morning? I hoped she would be, and also that she wouldn't. Maybe I could try to explain things to her? Because it had worked so well the last time I tried that. Banishing the thought to the ever growing cupboard of things not to think about in my mind, I pushed my way into the library and sat down in my favourite spot in the corner, furthest from the window.

Desperately trying not to look around me for the mass of soft, coppery hair and large, almond shaped emerald eyes, I kept my head down and concentrated fiercely on blending in.

_"Accio book." _I quietly summoned a book I was part-way through reading down off the shelf and settled in. It was nice to finally be able to escape from the world, if only for a few minutes.

After what seemed like only seconds, my charmed wrist watch politely told me it was time to go down to breakfast. Sighing heavily, I stood and placed the book back on the shelf. Time to face another day.

_**Author's Note- I know it's still quite short, but I'm working up to longer chapters as I'm developing my writing style, I'm still just getting into the swing of things at the moment.**_

_**Oh, and if anyone has any storyline suggestions, they would be more than welcome, I love to take inspiration from people, and I'm sure a lot of your ideas are better than mine. I have a general gist of where I want it to go, but I don't yet know how I'm going to get there, so any help would be greatly appreciated**_


	3. Distractions

**_Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. All rights belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. Unfortunately. _**

**_Author's Note- Hi guys, sorry for the delay, I got writer's block, I couldn't work out for the life of me how to start Snape's section of the chapter. Luckily I got some help from a talented friend. :)_**

**_However, at the moment I have no idea how I'm doing, or if anyone's even read this, because I only have 4 reviews! 4! Thank you to flame55, IndianaBliss and jupiterjackal for reviewing, I love you, but the rest of you guys! This could all be a load of rubbish for all I know. Even if it's just a dead simple one- liner, please let me know you've read it and what you think. I'm counting on you! _**

**_Oh, and I've kind of resigned to the fact that my chapters are quite short, I don't want the story to drag, and there seems no point in creating unnecessarily long chapters for the sake of it. By the way, if anyone who has subscribed to the story kept getting alerts about chapters 1 and 2 being uploaded multiple times, I apologise, I kept spotting mistakes, and I only ever spotted a new one after I'd already updated it. Sorry!_**

**_So, in this chapter, I've decided to split the POV between Lily and Snape, to give it some more depth. I think Severus can get kind of morose sometimes, so I wanted to put another person's thoughts in there to stop everybody dying of depression, and it makes it easier to explain what's going on in Lily's head. What do you think? Good idea or not? Talk to me! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. :)_**

Chapter 3- Distractions

Lily

I sat in the classroom, staring out of the window, completely preoccupied, and not by the charms teacher at the front of the room. I was in turmoil.

Sitting beside me was my sort- of boyfriend James, who was at the current moment writing me a note on a scrap piece of parchment. No doubt it was some cheesy line intended to make me feel special. Don't get me wrong, I liked him, he was so sweet to me, and he did make me happy, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else going on behind his eyes, that his attraction to me wasn't the only reason he wanted us to be together. Of course, I knew what it was; he wanted to get one over on Severus. I couldn't prove it, and he would never admit it to me, but it didn't stop me thinking it. It had always been okay with me, me and Severus weren't exactly on the best of terms, to say the least.

But then, last night... I had no idea he still felt that way about me, and it had confused me no end. I thought he was just watching me because... well, I didn't know why, and in some ways, I wished I still didn't. His last words echoed through my head-

"_I... I need you"_

I replayed in my head the image of his usually conceited posture drooping in defeat, his hair falling pathetically about his gaunt face, his eyes showing me just how scarily empty his soul was as he admitted those words. Did I really mean that much to him? Sure, I had figured out he had a crush on me in second year, but I didn't know I had the capacity to affect a person quite so much.

I felt horrendously guilty. I had no idea I was hurting him. However, he hurt me two years ago, so did that make it alright? I wasn't sure. On one hand, he betrayed my trust, he was the only person I thought I could completely put my faith in, and he took that and threw it in my face, after I had been trying to help him, no less.

On the other hand, did he deserve the pain he was in?

But that wasn't the only reason I stopped being friends with him. He was a slytherin, and on his way to becoming a dark wizard. Those friends of his, they pulled him away from me. I couldn't be friends with a death eater! Which he undoubtedly would become, I thought, if he kept up his unhealthy obsession with the dark arts. So, I couldn't help him.

But then, could I? Without me, he had no influence of good in his life, so was I the one driving him into the darkness? Without something good to hold on to, how could he stop himself from tumbling down the dark rabbit hole?

"...Miss Evans?"

I looked up sharply, realising that I was, in fact, in a lesson, and I had just been asked a question I had not heard.

"er...I...I..."

"Lily, ignorance is not tolerated. 5 points from Gryffindor, and see me after class to collect your detention."

Inwardly I groaned. Detention? I was the head girl! I didn't get detentions! A note slid to me from my left hand side.

"what's up, Lil? You look upset. Anything I can do? Xxxxxxxx"

Smiling, I shook my head at James. He was so sweet, but if I told him what was the matter, he would never understand. He and Severus, and Sirius for that matter, had a vendetta against each another, and he couldn't contemplate me forgiving him. I brought up the matter a couple of months after we started going out, but James got angry and defensive, and we agreed not to talk about it again.

I sighed. It looked like I had some more thinking to do.

* * *

><p><span>Severus<span>

In the afternoon I finally got to potions. Potions was, obviously, easy for me, but it still took immense concentration. I sincerely hoped that Professor Slughorn, as big a dunderhead as he was, assigned something fairly challenging this lesson otherwise I knew my thoughts would stray to Lily and how I made a fool of myself. My thoughts always strayed to Lily.

To my dismay the assignment that lesson was a fairly simple one that I, for one, could probably do in my sleep. Nevertheless I made a conscious effort to focus on every single stage of the process. It was therapeutic being able to concentrate on nothing but counting the amount of stirs needed..._five...six..._

"Hey, Sev. We're skipping Divination, you in? We're gonna –"

He was cut off by Slughorn.

"So by now you should be about ready to heat your potions."

Avery cast a quick glance at his potion, which was barely started, shrugged and said, "Sev, help me out?" I sighed and stepped over to his cauldron. I was always having to save one of my friends' potions, whether it was because they'd gone wrong or, like Avery, they hadn't bothered to do it. Again I fell into the simple actions this potion required and slipped into an almost trance-like state, meaning my mind wandered.

"So, are you in?" Avery whispered.

I cursed myself for not answering straight away because I knew the reason for my hesitation: our house had next lesson with the Gryffindors and while that meant a class that I don't like, with people I don't like (namely Potter, Black and co.), it also meant an hour with Lily. _Damn it_, I inwardly groaned, _and we're back to Lily._

I finished Avery's potion and returned to my own which had finished brewing. Should I skip with my friends? It's not like I'd miss anything important in Divination; it was basically a free period anyway with the lack of work that went on. But I knew Lily would never imagine skipping a class. _I have to stop thinking about Lily!_ I knew after what I said last night she'd want to avoid me like the plague which meant she'd probably even prefer it if I wasn't at Divination. If I was ever going to have any hope of getting on with my life then I had to start now. But did I want to let go? I leaned over to Avery.

"Okay, I'll co – AH!"

In my distracted state I'd leaned too far and ended up tipping my cauldron over and, throwing my hands out to steady it, I managed to wind up tipping it onto the floor where it splashed all over Slughorn's legs as he walked past. The little of the potion that fell onto my finger instantly made it itch but the cauldron-full that Slughorn got would, I knew, cause an unbearable rash to spread over his legs – too much to cure with the small vial of antidote on his desk that he'd made before the class; he'd have to go to the hospital wing.

"Severus! How could you be so clumsy of all people! Avery, assist me to the hospital wing, Severus, use the antidote on my desk for your hand then come and see me for a detention. Merlin's beard, boy!"

Slughorn was itching at his legs through his whole speech. If he hadn't been in so much trouble, Severus would've pointed out that scratching would only make it worse. As it was he made his way to Slughorn's desk as the Professor and Avery left, his face a deep shade of red, used the antidote, then grabbed his bags and hastily made his way out of the classroom amidst giggles and laughter from the rest of the class.

Perfect.

_**Author's Note- Don't forget to review, I'll love you forever if you do!**_


	4. The Last Laugh

_**Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. All rights belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. Unfortunately.**_

_**Author's note- Hey guys! Here's another chapter for you! I've kept with the split POV, I like it, though it's mainly Severus, I didn't want it getting too confusing. I've had a couple of reviews for the last chapter, thank you to Eclaire Stones, Blue-eyed-shuichi and flame55. You make me happy :'). Still, review review review!  
><strong>**I've done something a little bit different with this chapter, I'm not sure if it will work or not, so tell me what you think. Anyway, enjoy!**_

Chapter Four- The Last Laugh

Severus

Well, that just sucked. Not only did I have a detention, but I had to serve it with the dragon woman herself- Professor McGonagall. I was hoping that my detention would just be brewing some stock potions for Slughorn, which I actually would have found quite enjoyable, but due to Slughorn's current... predicament, he was unable to carry out the detention, so I was lumped in with one that the transfiguration professor was doing. Luckily, I didn't have her as my transfiguration professor, but I'd heard of her reputation. Apparently, a third year Ravenclaw had questioned her methods, and she had transfigured a rabbit they had been working with into a dragon, which proceeded to chase him all around the castle. Hence the nickname. Needless to say, I wasn't looking forward to meeting her.

So there would be at least two of us there. Lovely. I just hoped it was a pathetic little Hufflepuff firstie so I could frighten them into silence for the duration of the time we were forced together. I wasn't in the mood to talk, but then, I never was.

Of course, I couldn't trust myself to speak to anyone, because I knew it wouldn't take much for me to break down and tell whoever the unfortunate victim was of my life and my woes, which were plentiful. It was much safer to keep my head down, lest I say something that I really shouldn't.

_Oh well_, I though, staring at my charmed watch, which was shouting at me that I was going to be late. _Time to head to detention. The joy._

Lily

Great. Just great. How was this going to look, the head girl having to serve a detention with McGonagall, the head of her own house? It was humiliating. I really wasn't looking forward to it, but at least, hopefully, I would be on my own. I didn't want any child sat ogling at me for two hours._ I suppose_, I though,_ it can't be that bad. McGonagall likes me, she must do, or she wouldn't have put me up for head girl, so maybe she'll go easy on me._

Somehow, I doubted it. She didn't have the nickname 'dragon' for nothing. Actually, come to think of it, the story behind that was quite funny...

But I still hadn't come up with any sort of solution for this Severus problem. I didn't really know what kind of answer I was looking for, but I knew I had to do something. It was cruel to leave him how he was now, if I'd have realised he felt like that earlier, I would have... but I didn't know what I would have done. That was the problem. I was still so angry with him, but maybe I was being a little harsh...

Oh, but I had no time to think of that now. It was time for me to make my way to McGonagall's classroom for my detention. _Fantastic._

* * *

><p><span>Severus<span>

I strode down to the transfigurations classroom, only to stop dead when I saw who was waiting outside, her back against the wall, auburn hair flowing over the stone bricks in soft waves. My breath stopped. _ I can't go over there! _ Everything inside me screamed to step forward, to reach out to her, but at the same time to run away and hide in a dark corner where she couldn't find me. _ Not that she'd come looking. _ Letting out the breath I didn't know I was holding I shakily stepped forwards to stand on the other side of the door to her. I nervously glanced at her out of the corner of my eye and saw that she was staring at me, eyes wide with surprise and horror, making my heart leap uncontrollably under my robes. I had no idea if or what I should say to her, but I didn't get the chance, because at that moment the door opened and McGonagall stepped into the hallway, glaring at us.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Go in." She scowled at us as we quickly scurried into the room. Things couldn't get any worse, could they?

"Miss. Evans. And... Snape, is it? Sit down at the front together, so I can see both of you." Apparently it could. Sit next to her in silence for _TWO HOURS?_ This was going to be the most exquisite torture.

As we sat down, two rolls of parchment, a bottle of ink and two quills appeared in front of us.

"Now. Miss Evans, since you seem to be lacking in concentration, you are going to write me a 1000 word essay on the importance of concentration in class, and how concentration levels can be improved. And, Snape, I have been told that you seriously injured Professor Slughorn in an accident in potions class, which could have been very dangerous, so you are going to write a 2000 word essay on safe practise in the potions classroom. If either of you finish within the two hours, you are to come to me and I will assign you something else to do. If you do not finish, you will be back tomorrow night, or as many nights as it takes to finish. Get going."

_Well, this is going to be fun. _ I thought, internally sighing and picking up my quill. Glancing over at Lily, I saw she was already scribbling away at her essay, a determined look on her face. Apparently, she didn't want to spend any more evenings with me than she had to. I wasn't particularly thrilled about being there either. _2000 words on safe potions practise? _It would have been no trouble, but I felt I was going to have a hard time concentrating, what with Lily being so close I could smell the coconut scent of her shampoo. Silently I cursed. _How could this happen?_

"Do you have a problem, Mr. Snape?" McGonagall's sharp voice rang out from behind her desk.

"N...no, professor."

"Well then, get writing. Believe me; I have no more pleasure than you in being here."

I stared at the blank parchment on my desk. _There's nothing for it. _I picked up my quill, but stopped just as it was touching the parchment, because a message, in small scribbled handwriting, was appearing on the page.

**hi. **

My heart skipped a beat, and I looked over at Lily. She was still writing, but I could see her wand beneath the table, and the faint mark of the same message faded into the margin of her parchment. _She was talking to me! _Quickly, I scribbled a response and, slyly removing my wand from my robes, charmed it to switch papers. It faded, and I saw it appear again on her parchment.

**Hello.**

While I was waiting impatiently for her response, I started furiously scribbling away at my essay. After about half a page, another message appeared in my margin.

**About before. Did you really mean what you said?**

Waiting until McGonagall's eagle eye wasn't trained on us, I quickly replied.

**Yes. Every word. Did you?**

I couldn't believe we were having that conversation, especially now. At least she couldn't get angry now without alerting McGonagall of our note- passing, so hopefully I was safe.

_Don't blow it, Severus. This could be the only chance you get. Again. _

**I don't know. I'm still angry with you.**

She didn't know? So, was there hope after all? Of course she was angry with me. I called her a... a mudblood. Merlin, I hated that word now.

**I know. I'm sorry.**

I didn't expect that to be enough, but it couldn't hurt to keep apologising. _Stay cool, Severus. Don't say anything stupid. Don't rush._

**Yes. I believe you. I just don't know if I can forgive you yet. **

Damn! How could I respond to that? _Wait_. I re-read her last message. _Yet? _She didn't know if she could forgive me _yet?_ Was… was there a chance she would in the future? I was sure I would wait forever if I had to.

**What can I do?**

I scribbled. Looking at my paper, I realised I really needed to write some more of my essay, or I was going to be here forever. Impatiently waiting, I scrawled another few paragraphs onto my parchment.

**Nothing. **

My heart sank as the word appeared on my page. _Nothing? _How could I ever get her to forgive me if there was nothing I could do? I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, and though it appeared she was calmly writing her essay, I could see tears welling up in her eyes. A fresh stab of remorse shot through me. _How could I have done this to her?_

**Think. There has to be something. I can't stand this.**

She stopped writing, sniffed and looked indignantly at her paper. _Uh oh. _It looked as if I had blown it, once again. She started writing another message.

_**You**_** can't stand it? What do you want me to say? This isn't exactly easy for me. Everyone told me not to speak to you again, to forget you existed. For a while, that's what I did. But you wouldn't leave me alone, so now I've given in. Is that not enough for you? You want it to go back to the way things were? How can they? How can I forgive you, what could you possibly do to make it ok? You tell me, because I sure as hell don't know. **

She glared at me, her head half turned in my direction so as to not attract McGonagall's attention. I had no idea what I could have done, what I could have said. If I had, then there would have been no doubt I would have done it by then, a hundred times over.

**I'm sorry. **

I realised it wouldn't help to apologise again, but I really couldn't think of anything else to say.

**Bloody hell! You just don't get it! Sorry isn't good enough, Severus. You can say it 'till you're blue in the face, but it doesn't change what you did, and it doesn't change how things are. It's too late. **

She scrawled furiously at her essay while I sat staring at my paper, dumbfounded by her words. She finished with a flourish, and put her quill down. She started to roll up her parchment, ready to hand in.

**WAIT.**

I quickly wrote to her. She paused, unrolling the corner she had already rolled, pretending to be checking her work.

**You don't have to forgive me now, but just tell me what to do, and I'll do it. Anything. I'll declare Gryffindor pride, turn myself into a ferret, even charm my hair blonde and pretend I'm Petunia, whatever will work. Please. **

I saw her stifle a laugh as she obviously imagined me parading around, pretending to be her muggle sister. _Yes. It's not over yet. I still have this._ I, too, found myself stifling a chuckle, because her laugh, even silent, was infectious. Soon, we were both choking with silent laughter, desperately trying not to alert McGonagall. Merlin, it felt good to laugh again. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed. I stopped laughing as another message appeared.

**I've missed this.**

Oh, how sorely I had missed it. Suddenly, I recalled the last time I had laughed. It was two years ago, the day before everything went wrong. Lily and I were sitting by the lake, making jokes about Potter and his little posse. They had decided to call themselves 'the Marauders'. We were laughing because of how stupid it sounded, how seriously they took themselves. I remembered it had been a while since we had spent time with each other, and I was thinking how things were never better than when it was just us together.

I snapped back to reality, wishing to stay in my daydream, where I was happy. I wrote back to her.

**Me too, Lily, me too. Do you think we'll ever be able to get it back?**

I dared to look across at her, my eyes longingly gazing at her. She was looking at her parchment somewhat sadly, and wrote her final message before packing up her things, handing her essay over to McGonagall, who thanked her, and leaving. I felt the light that seemed to follow her around leave the room as she closed the door behind her. I looked down at my parchment. Three words sat upon it defiantly, before fading with the rest of her messages.

**I hope so.**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Author's note- Don't forget to R&amp;R! Just a couple of sentences is fine, I'm not asking for 2000 word essays like McGonagall! (And don't worry, I checked, McGonagall was the transfiguration professor when the Marauders were at school) :)<em>  
><strong>


	5. Friend or Foe

_**Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. All rights belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. Unfortunately.**_

_**Authors Note- So I promised you a new chapter, and here it is! Again, I'm sorry for going AWOL on you for so long. I'm here now! I hope you enjoy this, it's a little different, being from James' POV, I wanted to add a bit of depth to his character and explain his position. I had fun writing this, it's great to pretend to be a douche ;) R&R to tell me what you think! **_

Friend or Foe

James Potter

"Hey, Paddy, pass us a pumpkin pasty over, stop hogging them all, you fat slob." I called across the common room to Sirius, who proceeded to throw the pasty, full pelt, at my face. It was only my super-sharp reflexes that stopped it from hitting me square on in the mush, raising my hand to catch it when it was mere inches away.

"I said pass it, not attack me with it, idiot."

Sirius just laughed and carried on chatting up the sixth year girl he was sitting next to. Typical Padfoot… Not that I would have done any different, she was gorgeous, and if I wasn't with lily, I would have probably been over there with him, trying to charm her away from Sirius.

As it was, I sat by the fire with my charms book open on my lap, not really paying it any attention. I could fly through charms without a thought. I was actually thinking about Lily.

Ah, Lily. It had taken me so many years to win her over, though to be honest, I think she had just been playing hard to get for a couple of years, and she was totally worth the wait. That hair, that smile, those eyes… Yes, yes, I was totally smitten, like some silly little puppy, but I couldn't really help it. She was everything I wanted in a girl, and eventually she'd fallen for me too, not that I could blame her, I could be pretty persuading when I wanted to be. I'd liked her since I first caught sight of her on the train in our first year, when she was sitting in the cabin with us and Snivelus.

Ugh. A wave of pure hatred ran through me. Severus Bloody Snape. The bane of my existence. Stupid little prat just wouldn't leave me or Lily alone. I had long since got over taunting him through my own choice, but he was still his immature self, and he when he took every opportunity to attempt to humiliate me, and he rarely succeeded, I had no choice but to retaliate. And so was our never-ending war with each other, though I think it was a much bigger deal for him than it was for me, he had nothing else to look forward to in his day. And if that wasn't enough, he had to creep after my girlfriend like some snotty little boggart. He had had some pathetic little crush on Lily since before I knew him, and even though he totally blew it with her in fifth year, he just couldn't seem to get over it. Though, that did give me one advantage. It was obvious that my being with Lily upset him, and I had to admit that seeing him seethe with jealously whenever me and Lil' were together really filled me with smug satisfaction. Yes, I did play it up, and I was especially nice to her whenever he was around. I doubt she had cottoned on, and even if she had, I doubted she minded, she wasn't exactly on the best of terms with him. I didn't think she had even spoken to him in the last two years. I couldn't blame her. He called her a mudblood! Bastard. It wasn't like he was even a pure blood!

Ok, I lied. I hadn't gotten over my desire to purposefully harm Snivelly. After he threw her kindness back in her face and insulted her, I wanted nothing more than to smash his abnormally large nose into his greasy face. It was only because Professor Kettleburn, the Care of Magical Creatures professor, arrived that stopped me from starting a full out physical, non-magical fight with him. Merlin, I really hated that boy.

I yawned. Damn, it was hard work being head boy. My duties weren't even over yet, I had to do late night patrol that night, from 12:00 until 3:00. I checked the time-keeper that Lily had given me for my birthday on my wrist; it said it was 9:20. It had taken me a long time to work out how to read that thing, it all seemed unnecessarily complicated. The hands, which all looked practically the same, all told you different things, and you were expected to remember which hand told you what. Muggle inventions never ceased to puzzle me. I used to have a rather stylish charmed wrist watch from Twilfitt and Tatting's in Diagon Alley, but one of Severus' more successful hexes made it scream obscenities at all the professors, so I had to get rid of it. I got in quite a lot of trouble for that one after it told the old Dragon where to get off; I got a month's worth of detentions from her.

I figured I should get a couple of hours of sleep before duty, so I closed my book with a heavy thump and rose from the amazingly comfortable armchair in front of the fire. By now, the common room was empty apart from me and Sirius. For the safety of everyone in the Castle, Remus was staying in Hogsmead. It was his 'time of the month'. Usually we all went with him and had a right laugh, but lately we'd had a few close calls, so we were laying low with the whole animagus thing. Only Peter had gone with him, because it's rather difficult for a werewolf to catch a rat once it's hidden in any of the little holes in the Shrieking Shack.

"Uh, Prongs?"

I turned to look back at Sirius. He looked concerned, and I suddenly felt guilty that I hadn't had time to talk to him in what felt like forever. I should've known what was bothering him. Some best friend I was. Sitting down in the seat that had previously been occupied by the hot sixth year, I asked him what was wrong.

"Oh, nothing, I guess, it's just the usual."

And then it clicked in: the holidays were coming soon. I may have been a crap friend recently, but I did know about how much grief his family gave him.

"You're worried about going back home."

"Not so much worried, but you know how much I hate the lot of them. It's just my brother. He won't shut up about all this dark magic stuff, keeps going on about some new wizard called Voldemort or something, I don't know, he sounds dangerous. I'm just scared for him, I guess. I don't want him getting in over his head, if you know what I mean."

While I hadn't heard of this Voldemort before, I had heard that respectable wizards had been turning over to dark magic, seemingly for no reason. It was always the same; they would come home, raving about this new form of magic that would solve all the world's problems, then they'd disappear off the map, returning completely changed after a month or two, renouncing their families, blood status, everything. Sirius was worried this was what was happening to Regulus.

"Yeah, I get you."

There was a small awkward silence, as neither of us knew what to say. We didn't really talk much, past the usual humorous banter. I really cared about him, but I didn't know how to show it without coming over as, you know, sappy. I had an idea.

"Well, you could always stay at mine for the holidays. I'm sure you'd be welcome, my mum loves you."

"Of course she loves me; she can't get enough of me."

"Shut up you twat. What do you say?"

"Well, that's dead nice of you, but... I dunno. I feel like I'm abandoning Reg."

"Listen, I know you're worried about him, but, and I'm sorry to say this, I'm not sure there's a lot you can do for him, if his mind is made up. I don't want to see you destroy yourself over this, Sirius, and I definitely don't want to see you dragged down the same path. You've worked so hard to shake off the reputation of your family."

Sirius stared at the floor, obviously thinking about what I'd just said. His family had all been in Slytherin, he was the first Gryffindor in the Black's history. He hated his connection with the whole thing, he'd all but renounced his family, the only reason he had anything to do with them was his brother.

"Yeah, yeah, I suppose you're right. Okay, I'll come back with you. Thanks, James, you're a real mate. Uh, you know I... love you, right?" He squirmed as he said it, obviously feeling awkward.

"Um, sure. I, uh, love you too Sirius." I felt just as awkward saying it back, but I meant it.

I shuffled away to the stairs. "See you tomorrow, yeah? I've got duty tonight, so don't wait up for me before breakfast." There was no way I was going to be awake in time.

"Cool. Yeah. Night."

I fell asleep thinking about Sirius, and Lily, and everyone else at Hogwarts. I came across as quite a pretentious douchebag sometimes, I knew that, but I really did care for my friends. I just had to learn how to show it.

_**Author's note- Okay guys, so there it is! James' point of view. What do you think? Do you like this new perspective, or should I stick to the two main characters? And what do you think about James himself? Pretentious douchebag or caring friend? The chapter is called friend or foe because I think it's up to the reader to decide if he's a good guy or not. Leave me a review and tell me what you think. Love you guys!**_


	6. Apology & Promise

_**Hi there!  
>It has been SOOOOO LONG since I updated, I wish to apologise profusely. Last year was crazy, as was this year. HOWEVER I have recently re-found my passion for writing and so hopefully will be returning to the keyboard soon to finish off chapter 6 and get it out to you. So... watch this space!<strong>_

_**Thank you so so so so so much if you've stuck by and waited this long for me to get off my bum and update, you really are wonderful and I hope you get to play with a lot of puppies. **_

_**Love you!**_

_**Dusty xx**_


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